The Real Truth, a magazine restoring plain understanding

What Is a True Father?

By Michael H. Venish

June 10, 2009

Being a father is one of the most rewarding and exciting responsibilities a man could experience. Despite society’s reluctance to admit it, fathers undergird everything that is a family. Yet the very foundation of the family is under tremendous stress and trauma. In the last 45 years, the United States has become a world leader in fatherless families, followed by Britain and other nations.

Daniel Patrick Moynihan wrote in his report to the Lyndon B. Johnson presidential administration, “From the wild Irish slums of the 19th century Eastern seaboard, to the riot-torn suburbs of Los Angeles, there is one unmistakable lesson in American history: a community that allows a large number of young men to grow up in broken families, dominated by women, never acquiring any stable relationship to male authority, never acquiring any set of rational expectations about the future…that community asks for and gets chaos, crime, violence, unrest, disorder.”

We are living in an age when families worldwide face trouble, turmoil and unhappiness.

Police in Santa Clara, Calif., said, “A man who gunned down his two children and three other relatives in an apparent murder-suicide had been helping his brother-in-law settle into the area” (USA Today).

In another incident of family violence, CBS News reported, “In October, an unemployed financial manager despairing over extreme money problems shot and killed his wife, three children, mother-in-law and himself in their home in the Porter Ranch area of the San Fernando Valley.”

On many occasions, the perpetrators of school and workplace violence first killed family members before embarking on their rampage.

There are causes for every effect! In this case, one cause is the problems between a parent and their children—specifically, a lack of leadership from a caring, loving father.

Every second, three babies are born somewhere in the world. Are they destined to grow up in a kind, loving family environment headed by a father? Sadly, this is not the reality of our time. The facts prove that many of the 54 million yearly births will end up fatherless.

But why?

Lonely Children

In a survey on child health, the National Center for Health Statistics, in Washington, D.C., found that “Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, and criminality.”

The Fatherhood Initiative reported that a Journal of Behavioral Medicine study of 700 adolescents “found that compared to families with two natural parents living in the home, adolescents from single-parent families have been found to engage in greater and earlier sexual activity.”

On the other hand, “Children with fathers at home tend to do better in school, are less prone to depression, and are more successful in relationships” (The Consortium for the Study of School Needs of Children from One Parent Families).

In a study of 1,197 fourth-grade students published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, researchers observed greater levels of aggression in boys from single-mother households than from boys in father-mother households.

Why should children be left to their own devices, with a cellphone as a companion and the mall as a place of refuge? Should they not be at home with their family? Ask a teenager how much loving guidance and interaction he had with his father recently. Then ask him if his father, who once spent time playing and talking with him as a toddler, lovingly hugs and talks to him now.

“Overall, more than 75 percent of American children are at risk because of paternal deprivation. Even in two-parent homes, fewer than 25 percent of young boys and girls experience an average of at least one hour a day of relatively individualized contact with their fathers” (Henry B. Biller, The Father Factor: What You Need to Know to Make a Difference).

Are you a true father? Do you understand that your role involves responsible and loving work within your family?

Yes, work!—because the job of a true father takes hard, dedicated work.

A Father’s Work

As a father, you must be the major influence in your children’s life. A father must not wrap himself up in his work, hobbies or sports. Be careful, as it is easy to get involved in various outside activities to the detriment of your family.

Remember when you got married, you vowed to take on certain specific responsibilities; these must rise above your personal preferences.

Regardless of secular opinions, the Bible teaches that a father’s role is to be the loving head of his home—the leader of his wife and children—the strong foundation upon which they stand.

Fathers, do not allow yourselves to be the cause of the destruction of family integrity. Lead by example. Teach your family to have respect for each other. Ask yourself if your children could one day say, “The greatest gift I ever had came from God—that gift was my dad.”

You can be that great gift, with time and effort.

Build Memories

I have many happy memories of working with my father in his carpentry shop, and these include the correction he administered when I used his tools foolishly. He would spend time teaching us how to hold a wood chisel, how to use a saw and how to hammer a nail straight.

He also taught us how to play various sports and encouraged us to participate in school athletics, and we did not have television to distract us.

Build happy memories with your children by spending time with them. Tell them about your childhood, where you grew up, what your father did. Tell them about the meals your mother cooked, the adventures you had as a child, the stories your parents told you. Use these precious moments to expand their thinking by teaching them lessons you learned from your past. Do your children know what type of work you do, or where you work? Have they spent time with you there?

Some of my children’s most cherished memories are going to work with me. They used to take turns, and each one would count the days to their turn.

Help make their lives exciting!

What You Can Do

Do not allow society to diminish your role as a father. Whether you are in a traditional family or not, one of the most precious things a father can give to his children is time.

You are the only real investment for your children—not toys, cellphones, television or video games. Turn off the TV! Watching television with your family can be entertaining; however, it does not promote quality family interaction.

Rather, get out the board games and have some fun, or tell them stories about your life; plan a vacation together, asking for their input and suggestions; plan a picnic; grow a garden.

Above all, eat together. Too many families eat on the run and do not find time to interact. Eating together has tremendous benefits. Remember: A family that eats together stays together. They communicate. They learn from each other. They share information and news of the day. This develops a feeling of belonging. Eating together as a family is a perfect time to teach each family member respect for one another, as well as etiquette. As the father, take the lead. Keep it light and have fun. At the same time, do not criticize; again, lead by example.

And when they need to be corrected (and what child doesn’t need it?), do it with care, consideration and lots of love.

Can you imagine what would happen to a home if a father failed in his leadership role—if he just gave up? This would lead to the eventual destruction of the family.

So fathers, step up and step out. Prove to yourself that you are, in every sense of the word, a true father.